The Mindwheels

Welcome, 2012.

cjfroehlich — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 08:33:55 +0000

Another year over. It was the year of “gentleness” for me – or at least that’s what I had in mind when I started 2011. And rightfully so: We had to navigate a couple of tough transitions and overall change in these past twelve months. But the time of gentleness is over. The word that keeps coming up for 2012 is “kompromisslos”, German for “without compromise” or “uncompromising”. For me, this would have predominantely negative connotations in any other context but this; here, it means no more compromises with regard to beauty, happiness, creativity and taste. No more settling for less. I have the strong urge to change things, to get rid of what is unwanted and unnecessary, to get as close to a clean slate as possible. Letting go is one big part of being uncompromising, funnily enough.

So let’s see, 2012, how we will get along.

Filed under: Journal

Alltagshelden :: My tribe

cjfroehlich — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 10:32:56 +0000

I am very happy to announce that I can cross one item off off my list: I have seen a business idea through from beginning to end, and one that’s dear to my heart, too (weeeee!)! It’s a precious, handmade book for friends, for the people closest to our heart, a place to keep them with us at all times. Even the first touch tells you how much love was put into making it. I am a very tactile person, so I took care that it feels good to the touch, solid yet tender, so that you will be glad to take it out of the shelf again and again. I designed the book with my dear friend, graphic designer, newly-wed and soon-to-be mum Maren Chur. She took care it looks really pretty! The questions inside are original, quirky and funny; once answered, they will make this book a precious memory of those we let inside – the book and our lives!

The first edition is in German, but I have an English edition ready to go, so stay tuned!

For the German readers: You can have a look at it here.

Filed under: Journal

On the Holm

cjfroehlich — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 07:56:06 +0000

Strange place, that holm.
Sitting in the middle of the sea,
exposed to nature’s moods,
perpetually threatened,
yet alive with resilience and beauty.

I was greeted with sunshine
awoke to thunder and rain
was sent off with the warning
of a flood coming.

It is easy
to read that
as a sign.

Filed under: Journal, Meditations

Three weddings and no funeral

cjfroehlich — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 11:15:06 +0000

Back at my desk, I reflect on two weeks of wild celebration, grim fights, old wounds healing and a continuous flow of ancient kindness which kept me on my feet.

In the last two weeks,

- I attended three weddings and one “Polterabend”.

- I navigated the abrupt and bumpy change from full-time worker to full-time mum and back to part-time of both.

- I spent *a lot* of time with my family. My old family, that is, the people I grew up with. It felt like being in a time cocoon, with all its good and bad. But this time – and I’m sorry I cannot be more specific here – the bad lost its overpowering strength, and was replaced by an all-encompassing kindness and an understanding that I only know from relationships which span a lifetime.

- I made a whirlwind trip to Italy to see two friends who I hadn’t seen in 6 years. It was only 36 hours, but every second of it was not only worthwhile, it felt like hours and I will feed on each of them for months to come. We expanded time so that we could be together.

- I danced. I celebrated. I screamed and fought and felt desperation. I was overwhelmed with joy. I cried happy tears and sad ones.

- I learned a lot. I reconnected. I felt held and home in a way I won’t forget.

- I was happy.

How about you?

Filed under: Journal

Hope inspite of everything

cjfroehlich — Mon, 16 May 2011 10:30:46 +0000

Taking action can feel futile.
It can be painful,
embarrassing,
and compromising.

It can also be fulfilling, life-changing and perpetually motivating.

The ultimate difference
between taking action
and remaining silent, however,
is that
on however small a scale,
it can make
our hope for a better world
come true.

Filed under: Meditations

Vows

cjfroehlich — Tue, 03 May 2011 10:25:14 +0000

A couple of years back, a friend of mine – we had been flatmates at university – got married in London. I was in Israel at the time and reasoned with myself that it’d be too far, too expensive, too everything, and that was that.

The wedding was beautiful: a full Indian wedding in the middle of London, and all five of my university flatmates were there. All five of them. This was the only time we’d managed to do that since leaving university, since only three of us are from London, the other three are from Italy, France and Germany. It could have been the perfect reunion. This way though, the only one missing was – me.

Back then, I made a vow to myself to *never* miss a friend’s wedding again.

A couple of days ago, I found myself in a bit of a dilemma because of that. One of those said flatmates, the one from Italy, told me she was getting married this summer. The weekend of the wedding is the same one my oldest friend (and bridesmaid) chose to get married, though. Ah no, I thought. I’ll have to choose. But the Italian wedding was going to be on friday and sunday, the German one on saturday. Maybe, just maybe, I could do both.

I checked flight times. I re-checked. I tried several different airport. I emailed a lot with my friend in Italy. I learned that our French flatmate was going to be there, too, whom I haven’t seen in a long time either. I became even more ambitious, but still didn’t find a flight. I waited a couple of days. I checked again. And then, there it was: a flight that would bring me to the first wedding in Italy and back in time for the second one, and it was affordable, too. No thinking this time, I thought, and clicked “book”.

I won’t sleep much during those three days. I’ll be spending quite some time at airports, worrying about the timing, running from gate to gate, hoping for the best.

But I will be there. I will be there and hug and kiss my friends. We’ll laugh and we’ll cry, we’ll drink and eat together. We’ll BE together, if only for a couple of hours.

Nothing could be worth more than that.

Filed under: Journal

Waging war against the people I love

cjfroehlich — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 10:56:47 +0000

Every now and again, someone will state admiration at what I “have achieved”, at “how I juggle career and family life”, at how “I’m still so young but so succesful”.

I can only assume that there’s a strong need for someone to live the perfect life. Why else would anyone project that image onto me, of all people?

The truth is: My juggling skills are pretty much non-existent. Most certainly, they are not better than anyone else’s. While it is true that I do a lot of things, “managing” them in the sense of “having everything under control” is not one of them. On the contrary: Every time things don’t go my way, every time I feel disempowered, every time things feel out of control, every time I’m afraid that just being me won’t be enough, the tide rushes in and drowns out the tiny voice of love and belief that sometimes manages to mutter in my ear “You are enough”. In consequence, I treat the people I love unkindly.

We are talking about almost every day here, because I share my life with a family and don’t want to settle for less, I want to actually take part in my life and do the things I love with the people I love, so overwhelm is a daily staple.

So I fail a lot at being a good mother, a good wife, a good friend. I make a lot of mistakes. And then I feel ashamed that my loved ones still love me, regardless. A part of me still can’t believe they do. (Do you see the irony in this for a peace and conflict researcher?)

A priest once told me that embracing our dependency on others is embracing our humanity on a whole new level. Of course, if I acknowledged that I cannot do everything on my own, that I need the people around me as much as they need me, I could no longer pretend to live a self-sufficient life. I could no longer pretend that losing my family and friends wouldn’t devastate me. That I am so tough, in fact, that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I know this is the next step for me. Deep down, however, I am terrified.

*Full disclosure: This post has been waiting to be published for a month and feels very, very vulnerable. So be kind in the comments, please.*

Filed under: Journal

Eagerly, I wait for spring

cjfroehlich — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 08:10:32 +0000

Every morning I walk into the garden and lean over the dark earth, waiting for the buds of my winter work to show. I talk to those tulips and crocusses, daffodils and buttercups, roses and lavender, trying to coax them into growth and bloom, hoping they’ll follow with abandonment.

I should do the same with me. Especially the part about abandonment.

Transitions are aplenty in these parts, so much so that I am starting to think my word for the year, gentleness, was a wrong pick. But then I realize that with so much change around me, so much promise, but also so much fear, I won’t survive without gentleness towards myself and everyone around me.

My work is picking up speed. I’m deeply immersed in matters of peace and war, again, and will remain so for the next couple of weeks. At the same time, I’m working on that little thing I’m cooking up for you and me, a tiny thing of ordinary beauty that will bring fun and light into my life and yours, I hope.

I have been quiet over here, I know. Bear with me, I will come around.

Filed under: Journal

Awakening

cjfroehlich — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 12:27:48 +0000

She curls up
one last time
then stretches
walks
runs

unleashed
into the shimmering haze
that will soon
unseal the sky
with glowing brightness.

Filed under: Meditations

Inside and outside

cjfroehlich — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 10:12:43 +0000

My sea of experience is
in turmoil.

The soft ripples
on the surface
reflect the sun.

The boats quiver,
feeling the earth move,
down below.

Calm is not calm,
after all.

Filed under: Journal