Sometimes it feels like a soft nudge in the back. Sometimes it feels like the pin of a needle – or a thousand. Right now it feels like my lower back has been sliced open and left that way for good. I don’t know how to move, how to sit, how to lie down, how to stand up. How to get through the day – or how to care for my toddler, for that matter.
Pain makes me feel weak, vulnerable, small and full of fear. Sometimes it also makes me angry; self-pity should be mentioned, too. I envision myself being in pain for the rest of my life, not being able to play with my son, maybe even unable to have another child, because the prospect of straining my spine by carrying a big belly and not being able to do sports for a long time is killing me.
What is worse is that my mindwheels are turning and turning, telling me it is all my fault, I should have taken better care of myself, look what you’ve done, it’s all your fault. Of course, this is making it worse, and makes me feel like being caught in a treadmill, not being able to move of my own will, just functioning like a machine. It’s humiliating.
I need empowerment. Soulfood. Nutrition. Trust. And good care. Just that tiny bit of freedom that tells me I’m a good person, worth it, and able.