Confessions

I recently read this post by Brené Brown, and it made me smile. Why? Because it’s comforting to know that I am not struggling alone. That others have similar troubles with fulfilling all the roles they want or are supposed to fulfil …

It also made me smile because I have been playing this little game with myself lately, where I try to decide whether the personal writing I do on this blog compromises what is called my professional life. Because I am so shy, worried and confused about this, I have written Emails and deleted the link to my webpage from the signature, depending on who the Email was going to. I have wondered whether a journalist who wanted to do an interview didn’t call back because he had found this blog and had decided I was too … I don’t know, unprofessional? esoteric? emotionally unstable? to be featured as the “expert” in his piece (all that knowing that this blog gets very little traffic. This is what my therapist calls my “magical thinking” – it can rule over my logic effortlessly. Needless to say, he did call back.). I have even been reluctant to tell my friends about this blog, because I can never know what they’ll think of me when they read about me being depressed, scared, angry etc., can I? Even though they know all this already, this REALLY scares me.

It is so hard to open my box and let myself be seen – another quote from Brené Brown.

In the post mentioned above, Brené has asked her readers to fill in the spaces in this sentence:

Sometimes it’s hard because I am _______________________, but I’m also ___________________________. 

For me, sometimes it’s hard because I am opening up, but I’m also experiencing a new sense of freedom and authenticity – while still afraid of what will happen next, of being hurt, of losing control.

How would you fill in the spaces in that sentence? I’d love to know.

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One thought on “Confessions

  1. OMG! I sometimes erase my blog address on outgoing emails too. I hate it when I do it, I just get so scared that people won’t allow me to be more than one thing – especially in the academic world. In the academic world, everyone is racing to eliminate ambiguity and in my personal life, I’m struggling to embrace vulnerability and uncertainty. No wonder I feel crazy sometimes!

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