I have finally publicly taken a stance on something I have been working on for a while now. I can’t be more specific, but I can tell you it has taken me weeks to conjure up the guts to do this. This thing I’m referring to is still new to me, and I’ve been sort of shy and feeling insecure about my place in it. At the same time, it has created immense stress for me to always have to censure myself, to always be on the lookout for myself making mistakes. You know it’s happening when it takes you the best part of an evening to write one, I repeat: ONE email, rephrasing and revising it over and over again.
So what happened? Nothing much. I looked at that thing for a while, trying to figure out why it was making me so uncomfortable. Well: It takes me out of my comfort zone, for one. It’s a real challenge. And a large part of it is taking a stance and being challenged for it; not easy for a recovering people-pleaser. Do I need to say more?
So I figured what the h***, I’ll have to fight anyways. I can as well do it now.
Right now, I feel kind of afraid of my own guts, but otherwise, I feel like I’ve gained a whole lot of freedom.
We’ve been offline (internet and phone) for a couple of days, due to unclear network issues, and several rather annoying phone calls later, we’re back on. It wasn’t all bad though: an offline Christmas, is, as it turns out, a treat.
I still have no idea what my Portfolio Project will be, though. I’m thinking something along the lines of “do something new everyday” or “write/make/draw something every day”, or both, but I really don’t know. I’ve been completely overwhelmed with finishing my PhD and having a toothing toddler to tend to, and am struggling to keep my self in focus all the while. I’m not even talking about doing something nice just for me…
However, tomorrow is another day, and who knows: It might be the one with the big idea.
I have finally learned how to knit (this has been on the list for so long, I won’t even tell you). I’m very much enjoying it, and don’t feel spiessig in the slightest.
My first project was something easy to get me going: a little scarf for Jakob. After my mum gave me a couple of pointers on technique, that was easy and fun.
The second thing I wanted to do was knit a cap for a newborn. This got me going in the first place: Knitting a cap for a newborn in a developing country, where woolen caps can actually safe children’s lives. Here it is:
This will go to Save the Children in Berlin, who started the campaign. Also in the envelope? Good wishes for mother and child and a letter to the German chancellor, asking her to increase the budgets of developmental help and conflict management programmes.
Using my voice is SO satisfying.
P.S.: By the bye, this was not part of the Portfolio Project. I still haven’t figured out what I’ll do, and I definitely won’t start before the new year’s here…
That’s what it sounds like in my mind right now.
Uuuuhhh … what did I get myself into? you’ll never manage making stuff on a regular basis with everything else that’s on your plate, and do not let it interfere with your duties, young lady … aaaaaahhh … it’s gonna be so embarrassing having to give up only two weeks in, which I will have to, because this is insane …. oooooohhhh … I don’t even know what I’m gonna do and when I’m gonna start ….
You get the idea.
The truth is, most voices in my head (yes, there’s more than one) are currently scolding me for having been so blatantly stupid to say the words “I’m in” on the Portfolio Project.
But there are one or two that keep whispering in the oh so short pauses in between these rantings, and what they are saying is so wonderful, so hopeful, so good that I can’t but turn to them and strain my ears to hear every word they’re saying.
You’re okay. It’ll be fun. There’s nothing to lose, but much to win. You will be just fine.
So I keep thinking: What if they are right, and I didn’t give it a try?