Well, there you go. I’ve had my first gremlin-induced almost breakdown without even having started. I was getting caught up in the “this had better be good”-vicious circle that kept telling me that no, just doing something won’t be enough, it needs to be perfect if you want to tell people about it, unless you want to make a disgrace out of yourself (and your family).
Wow – if I weren’t in therapy already, I’d turn myself in right here, right now.
How about just taking it easy? This was my ray of sunshine in the darkness today.
My portfolio project will involve writing, photography, painting, drawing, calligraphy, knitting and sewing, maybe even soapstone and music. Since I’m in it for myself, for giving myself a treat, my goal is not numerical, as in 5 knitted scarfs or 12 oil paintings. Rather, my goal is to do something arty and fun on five days a week to find out what’s been hiding inside me for a long, long time.
You see, I am finishing my PhD in these next few weeks, a project I have been working on for 4 1/2 years. This work has given me a lot, but it has also cost me a certain easiness and lightness that I want back in my life. This is the backdrop for my Portfolio Project, together with the inevitable ponderings about what will be next.
I have chosen courage as my word for 2009, because that’s what I will need to finish my thesis, to step out of my comfort zone in my job, and to make choices that are genuinely my own when it comes to deciding what I want to do with my life. I will need trust, sangfroid and calm to steer through these big decisions without losing myself on the way, and I hope to find this composure in using my hands to make things. It has worked in the past, but I’ve let it sink into oblivion. I will try to coax it back into the light in the coming 12 weeks – bear with me!
Oh, and by the way: Happy new year. May it see you rise like a star!
P.S.: I just decided that the new year and the big decisions it’ll bring would look best set against a fresh, white canvas. Hence the new design. I hope you like it.