Echoes of the Past

wadi-rum-012

Wadi Rum, Jordan

I am taking turns and dawdling around when it comes to my Portfolio Project. After all it might have been better to set a clear goal, like so-and-so-many pictures taken or something like that. I’m not totally convinced though, since my PP was really about making space for my self, and quantified goals are simply a step ahead of me right now. Do you know what I mean? 

Anyways. A long weekend away and a severe cold (mum AND toddler) later, I am always thinking about what I could do, but rarely coming around to actually doing it. I will have to reflect a little on why that is. There are many things that keep me from getting down to work, and although I do know them by now, I haven’t yet found a way to deal with them effectively, or so it seems. In times of uncertainty, habits, however ill-advised or stupid, provide comfort and a space in which I do not have to deal with the BIG questions. What do I want to do with my life? (I know the answer to this, but am afraid to say it out loud in case it doesn’t work out or involves major life-changing decisions like moving to a different country, say) What kind of creativity do I want in my life, and what do I want to do with it? Do I want to make money with it? Is that even possible? And how is that going to fit in with my “professional” career? Is there a way to combine the two, or at least to have both?

Basically, it’s like the reins to my life are in sight, I am almost there, but whenever I’m close enough to grab them I keep shying away. There are so many excuses to let others decide what’s good for me, and it’s so much easier to blame others if it didn’t work out.

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2 thoughts on “Echoes of the Past

  1. Hi, there. Karyn here. found you from JenLee /Portfolio Project.

    I just have to say that the last sentence in your post is pretty much the most spot on thing I’ve heard in a long time. Very well said, thank you!

  2. You say that “it’s so much easier to blame others if it didn’t work out.” But the rest of your post sounds like you’re blaming yourself anyway, for not grabbing the reins. In my experience of avoiding my own dreams and then finally grabbing the reins, I’ve learned that it’s not a one-time decision. I think we have to choose every day to live the life we want. Hm, maybe that sounds daunting. I don’t mean it to. I hope you’ll be encouraged to grab the reins today, and then try it again tomorrow. Again and again, until you realize you’re no longer afraid. There’s so many of us doing the same thing.

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