Anger, shame and fear

This is what I am feeling right now. The grand finale of my job is taking place next week, a nationally televised press conference on the book we’ve been working on for the last year, and I’m afraid. Excited. Worried. Anxious. Stressed. There is still so much to do beforehand, and the whole thing involves being away from home for four days. I’m so far out of my comfort zone, my comfort zone is a dot to me.

This makes me be shitty to my husband, to my son, basically to everyone around me (unless they are people who I still believe I have to keep up an appearance for). It makes me restless and unfocused. Mindfulness is much needed but seems very, very unreachable right now.

It is a big deal to admit this, because my default mode is to pretend everything’s fine. Recent talks with friends, like Jen, have spelled out what I already knew deep down: That default mode is a certain way to shut people out of my life, to end up lonely and frustrated, to become unhappy. Why do I always think I have to endure life’s less nice offerings alone? That I am only allowed to share if the things I’m sharing are nice and pleasant? Where does the belief come frome that I’ll be a burden to my friends and family if I admitted to my difficulties?

I have tried blaming my family. I have tried blaming myself – until I could finally admit what I had known all along: It is not about blaming, it’s simply the way it is. The way I am. And it’s something I can work on. Nobody’s perfect, as they say, and nobody should have to be.

These two blog entries by The Word Cellar and Brené Brown illustrate quite wonderfully how I am feeling right now: Wanting to be authentic but also feeling obliged to external (mostly imagined) expectations/default modes. I am so grateful to know I’m not the only one struggling with this.


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