Best of 2009 – challenge

This is a tough one. Because there’re challenges everywhere, depending on day, time, and mood. There were days this year when getting up in the morning seemed like too big a challenge to handle. There were other days when I felt like screaming out the window “Come here, I’m ready!” to whatever challenge that might have been waiting out there.

So I’ll settle for a very general sort of challenge, one that came through every day, and one which I handled with (very) varying degrees of grace and success: The challenge to let the love in. To accept help, love, compassion, friendship without questioning it. Without questioning whether I deserved it. Without questioning whether the offer was sincere or not.

Sounds easy, right? Hhm, yeah, it isn’t, really. Not for me.

See, I myself love to help and generally love to give, and not because i’m such a philanthropist, either, but because it’s one of the simplest and easiest ways to make me happy. Accepting the help of others, however, or – heaven forbid – possibly even asking for help very distinctly feels like weakness, like failure for me. I don’t know why that is, and the rational part of my brain finds it rather silly, but there it is. Which means while I am used to and enjoy giving a lot, I push those away who want to give me something in return, or, God forbid, without any apparent reason at all. It probably has something to do with a feeling of worthiness and some such, but I don’t want to bore you with the kitchen psychology of it. The fact is this: It feels pretty lonely and empty in this place, and I don’t like that at all.

So since my word of the year 2009 was courage, I tried to let go of my reservations and let the love in. Just like that.

I struggled with it more than you’d think, but let me just say this: I still cannot believe what happens when I pull down those walls. The abundance, the happiness, the joy … leaves me pretty much speechless.

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